Salutations, Empire. 

Our fingers tremble like a young dog in heat with the yearning, nay, physical compulsion to pen this first Ottoblog entry. These shall forthwith communicate our every thought, desire, triumph, or frustration to ye, the empire, as is customary in this age of constant communication. You'll have no doubt taken note by now, dear reader, that we are writing thoughtfully, and with an elocution not customary of this age of constant communication. It is in this way that we might not solely inform you, but also arouse some nascent fancy to read words thoughtfully composed, rather than thoughtlessly dispensed. This are, after all, the diaries of an empire, and as such should share the tongue of empires past whilst, of course, remaining privy to the snares of venereal maladies that such tongue-sharing might provoke (we cast our glance at you, Mongol empire).
The horizon is bright for us, dear empire! Yea! If we could but share all of our novelties with ye at once, yet alas, we chase ourselves and bring you only what morsels might tickle your collective fancy for fear that the full, heaving onslaught of news may bring ye to an untimely, and indeed, undue climax, as it were. But hear this! We are labouring most vehemently with the intent of pillaging your auditory and occular senses not unlike the vikings of lore, for we understand that this is what pleases ye most of all.

Sincerely yours,
Human Ottoman
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